Breathless

Can you hear me? I can't hear you.

Tears just want to fall, but not them all.

It's as if they need me to be strong.

For you, for me, for us all.

It's hard for me to choose,

Whether it was you or the booze,

But all I know for certain,

Is that you surely dropped the curtains.

They masked your eyes, took your sight.

Made them red with dark contrite.

The sins, they fled into your light.

Became your madness; seemed alright.

That grip you held upon my stem,

It blocked the veins, it had stopped them.

I couldn't feel, I couldn't breathe,

The motions there, the silent pleas.

There were no thoughts of anger,

Inside my heart, only to waver.

Its force, triumphed, began to scream.

But nothing came out the stem to be.

Tried and tried, to let it free.

But you processed no company.

It was you who was only there,

Twas like my heart beat had no share.

It beat like racing water down the falls.

It pounded like a drummer's calls.

The muscle's livelihood defalcated,

No wind to be had, far belated.

Twas your eyes were filled with rage,

And this vessel so encaged.

Flashes of grim fate to be.

If only I were freed.

You took those appendages and used them nay,

Used them in a dirty way.

Not like me, the one who commands,

The world in magic with his hands.

Mistust and anger, where to venture?

How can I ever move on to enter?

That world where we were once so sane?

A world now parched and filled with blame.

How can I not send you my anger?

How can I not see you a stranger?

You faltered when I couldn't stand.

Instead you became an ugly man.

You rose to power, and took me swift.

To the floor with no fast drift.

No motion, nor movement, fixed to me.

It was shortly after I couldn't breathe.

How did we become like this?

Was it fate that changed my bliss?

I thought it was destined, the stars said it all.

Tools and divination gave me the call.

But it was I who faltered, was it not so?

Did I make a mistake, needing to be showed?

Perhaps you were the tool to guide my soul.

To fix my obstinate, stubborn whole.

This vessel only tries so well,

To pave a path devoid of Hell.

No one knows but you so well,

How distraught I've made myself.

So were you a part of all her plans?

That mother earth possessed your hands?

And bid you cold against your will?

To shock me into a violent shrill?

To force me back to think on past.

Thoughts that I believed were gone.

Maybe I was digressing fast.

To be reminded that I must last.

I am a warrior of peace and love.

To spread the joy from below to above.

To be an example on this earth.

How I'd die a matyr for what it's worth.

Each memory of pain, each time I cry,

Each moment of shock, each time I'll try.

For that much anger, hatred, disconent, and dicord,

I'll use it to guide me; a powerful sword.

You did these things to me,

A love whom I didn't know,

It wasn't until it was over,

That I understood the foe.

The one behind the play,

The writer with a blow,

A mastermind of madness,

Music to behold.

Coming from you now,

Maybe I'd offer a chance,

For you to change what happened,

But disallowing an advance.

It wasn't I who could have done,

A deed so wicked that you'd be hung.

Rotting within your casted spell,

A blackened, prison, a tiny cell.

It wasn't I who wished for you,

To spend that time so askew.

But She proclaimed it be your fate,

For what had transpired on that date.

I've cried haphazardly, so much to flood,

The world I knew a quicksand mud.

Sinking deep into the wolves of blood.

I wish you'd nurture me, a dying bud.

Sleep it away, sleep off the days,

A worried mind of menancing frays.

But we cannot reverse,

As convenient as that'd be.

No denying the piercing screams,

When they're at your face,

Breaking your ears.

Reminding you of all your fears.

It seems that nothing is up to me,

No matter how I try to see.

You weigh so heavy upon my mind.

Even though I now know your kind.

But maybe I don't know it all yet,

Perhaps you've more, unreleased regret.

After all, we can't even speak.

But even if we could, it'd be so bleak.

So where does this leave me?

Battered and lonely?

Victimized and full of 'if only's?

But that won't change a single thing.

Because it's not even up to me.

Your future's in the means of He,

The one who makes the final decree.

So pray, my stranger, pray for us.

Pray this doesn't end a fuss.

You've done a lot, and so have I.

The burden here is sifting through the 'why.'

We've each some blame, perhaps mostly mine.

But I think it'd be different had there been no wine.

So don't touch it ever again, dear friend.

You'll not know what'll happen to you again.

Or another person, on another day,

I hope you learn from these adolescent ways.

I hope the best for you, my friend.

I meant what I wrote in that letter when.

When I said that I loved you dear,

That I'll always miss you, think of you, every year.

No day will pass by without me thinking of you,

We shared something majestic, something new.

It was unique, even though we had our friction.

Often times, I'd wish we were fiction.

I did wish that we were so,

Not even real, an imaginary flow.

That I'd wake up with piercing screaming.

Merely sleeping, only dreaming.

Yes, it got so bad, that I wanted to run.

I wanted to forget what we had begun.

I desired most to find another,

Someone I'd be comfortable calling a lover.

But you had something, something that I needed.

But not anything that I wanted.

Tell me, dear, the dilemma here.

What would you choose, in my shoes?

Or would you not choose, and take the days?

Precisely as they'd come, day, night, day, night.

And move individually without trying to fight.

But the emotions coming through in our poisoned fights.

It never had to get this horrific,

To where you fell from all that was terrific.

I held you so high, even though I didn't show it.

I had my way of expressing how I loved you, but you didn't know it.

I did hold you high, regardless of your guess.

I'm truly saddened that you couldn't see my best.

But that wasn't what I was trying to convey.

I was trying to teach you brilliant ways.

I wanted you to learn, to become bigger than me.

So I could take a break, and let you be in the lead.

But that could never happen, maybe I never gave you a try.

But something made me think that it wasn't worth the time.

But you'd never allow my teaching to become real.

Instead you saw hatred and didn't think I could feel.

Your emotions, and sense that you were upset.

But honestly, dear, it was all in your head.

I did love you, even though this just became clear,

After our eyes met, on that destructive night of fear.

But I've paid inside, shed tears that left wounds.

I regret a good quantity of my actions and moods.

Gosh, I just don't even know!

Where this is going, what else I could expose.

I want to be speaking to you right now without silence.

If only you'd break your noted compliance.

But it makes me feel better, just laying it out here.

Getting the steam out, so I don't freak out.

I have a long time to compose myself.

Maybe by then, I'll have moved on.

Everything still stands as it does with pride.

Those four conditions you must abide.

I love you, my dear, but you've given me fear.

I don't know if I can trust you, for however many years.

I want to, I want to believe.

That it wasn't you, that it was the booze.

I'll only know when I get to talk to you again.

Until then, I'll send you healing zen.

I know I have issues, that even I need to resolve.

I'm maybe not ready to take you on at all.

Maybe I have my own growing up to do,

There is so much for me to change, too.

So this isn't all about you,

It's also about me.

And what I have to offer,

To this staggering tree.

I admit to never giving you a try,

Never letting things go the way opposite of mine.

Maybe when time heals us, we can give it a go.

And I can sit back, and enjoy all that is your show.

And our hearts will merge as a line,

A perfect puzzle so aligned.

From differing pieces, almost like a tale,

Of epic proprotions, so much to hail.

But this won't come an easy task.

You must with me take off the mask.

So when we do, we see each person.

For who they are, no pain to worsen.

We must live openly, without fear,

You will not be judged, humiliated, or jeered.

If I love you, and you love me too,

You'll have to share them, however few.

The fight is over, we now a divide.

An unbreakable line which cannot be tried.

Patience to us, may we wait the cold storm,

Our lives forever changed, may we soon become warm.