Each time that I weep

This blog was meant to serve as proof of my non-procrastination.. but I suppose I was wrong. Poignant things happen to people and when they do, those people are sometimes rendered to succumb to laziness and distraught silence. I wanted to make the hype of this book stay lit, alive, and well-tended to. I suppose that goal had a brief existence--and for that, I'm sorry. I leave you with a poem.


Each Time That I Weep


I thought I'd be in love with you.
If you were here; instead we're through.
Never walked to my house; you never saw.
Wondering of you, I am so lost.

Never be with me again.
I'll never see your smile.
Rotting inside I feel your grin.
In here it lasts a while.

For in my wake your heart is harmed.
And in my soul, it is alarmed.
For if you knew the rain that fell.
You'd know my pain could fill a well.

Smoldering ashes that lie inside.
The beautiful carved wooden hive.
The incense filling its aroma here.
And deafening sounds that pierce my ears.

For when I listened to her song.
I surely tumbled and broke my fall.
My visage blew up into a smoke.
Its pores turning to wrinkled oak.

The drink that rolled from down my eyes.
And whispered soft, decrepit lies.
Smelling in my dreams, I blew.
For only if you ever knew.

How much love and joy you gave.
Babies to mothers, the love replayed.
Each moment I hear, each moment I smell.
I think only this rotting Hell.

And dropping ontop of my sheets over there.
Where I wanted you to be.
Smelling the scent from my sweaty hair.
Feeling my every need.

I recall how it happened and each time I weep.
Your memories dim like a fog.
The joys that swirl there, I don't keep.
I think of only a cog.

An endless motion that seems to spin.
The gears do turn in sin.
For if you knew the pain that blew.
I'm certain you'd surely give in.

I want this clock to freeze like ice.
I don't want to lose anymore.
Your grin was solid, but now it's like rice.
Expanding from me evermore.

I layed in my bed and stared at the white.
A ceiling that could tell so much.
For if it could speak, I'm sure we'd fight.
About keeping my secrets a hush.

I thought we could drive around the roads.
That encompassed the hills and the mountains.
I envisioned us laughing and speaking in code.
A language that flowed like fountains.

I miss how we talked and I miss our calls.
I miss everything about how you would pause.
Each moment of silence was such a surprise.
For truly I knew in my heart you would lie.

I genuinely thought you could be my man.
You felt so right to me.
All of the fancy and fantasies.
I knew you were all I could need.

But you left me, and told me, and said we were done.
I'll never forget you as long as I am one.
I know that crying is the best release.
But do I have to forget you more each time that I weep?

Konote vi ém.

Ha chijune ba ke hata Ya ang.
Poj ki xüwe kuna ye.
Ha mahale ke hata Ya.
Poj ki, sani su kuna ye.

Akunia ki Ya, mih'yaha te?
O'i su kétén yama?
Gizuin te za gilatöe vi.
Ya zanyre kii Ani vutenae ba yama?

Han hitvae yat nö jegat vialen.
Ha v'turne kii Oke heküjne no.
O'i junshibu kii
Ha mikafüe ejla chiju.


Travelling north

I thought I was loved by you.
But I was wrong.
I thought I could trust you.
But it was wrong.

Where are you, my hero?
Aren't you there?
My soul is moruning.
Don't you miss what we had?

I sit with my eyes wide.
I hope for Him to come.
You know that I must.
I must find love.

It has not been 8 days later.. What you are seeing is a lie in the dating system. ;)

Update on Anikuwynér

~1,650 words total.

~Two alphabets total.

~113 glyphs (hieroglyphics) total.

~Unique writing style.

~144 syntax words total.

I'd say I know about 300 words myself?

:D

Touch Me

The softness spread beneath my skin.
Its tender motion delving in.
A breathless moment between us two.
The thought of intimacy sinking through.

My hands numb compared to He.
The lofty emotions of sensory.
A carefree vista springing forth.
With palm trees bent from the north.

The calmness of the silence bound.
The world of venue and turn around.
To see my face lit with glee.
To run the trails of sensory.

Your pencil fingers, with such a grace.
And firmness in your touch, you place.
A depth of romance within my pores.
A feeling I cannot ignore.

I think on long ago my dreams.
The ones I shared with Agony.
A darkness so wrong that I could cry.
But now I feel the joys tonight.

Speaking of the pain we've had.
The various times with plenty of sad.
The eclectic times of many fates.
And forces cleaning our very slates.

But even though we both do list.
Many times of inept bliss.
I cannot strike away this pleasure.
I cannot ignore this golden treasure.

For I am there on that ottoman.
My nerves running like the autoban.
Like cars swishing back and forth.
Paying homage to the trees of north.

Seeing the beauty of green sprigs.
Feeling the duty of his long twigs.
His gorgeous aura weighing on me.
Tempting my soul from Agony.

Plucking stress as if it's ripe.
Taking a fresh, desired bite.
Swallowing away and healing my soul.
Making me feel like I am whole.

And even though his caution lives.
He feels my spirit taunting his.
Asking for more without a word.
An opaque lie that doesn't work.

And even in the comfort of all.
We do not groan the time to fall.
When we must go and part our spur.
We know we'll meet again for sure.

In-depth explanations of Aniku

I figured colors would help explain the syntax and sentence structure of Aniku. ;) Enjoy!


Ha za intétu yakor'a.
I am finally happy. :)

Kishu oxüvu mikzam.
The depression has ended.

Arvanada te va aleu sona.
My world is new again.

Anik su jofie van kii Venjat wa?
We split--so what?

O'i masan ju fyon kétén.
You aren't welcome here anymore.

Hane harte ba yemag Ya unmat kizon.
I have moved on from you.

Wa.. Ha narke no Ya unmat un.. xüwe azteike.
So, I will run from you and live.

Han la ke ju.
You don't own me.

Ha su kashe Ya nemyat ki suma ba chiju mö.
I hate you for killing our love.

I've broken the sentences down for you by color-coding them. The highlighted words are implied. Whatever color the word is highlighted, that is what word is associated with its presence.


The sentence structure and syntax go as such:

[ Subject Verb Object ] --- Or, SVO.
Han okye a'kte mi.
I eat apples.

To figure out where propositions, adverbs, or anything else goes, let's determine what they're doing. Questioning the sentence helps you a lot. Let's take the sentence, "I eat apples" and then add in also.

Han okye aka a'kte mi.
I eat apples also.

Why does aka go after okye? The proposition aka is actually modifying the verb okye. It is telling the person who is listening how the verb was done! You can remember this rule by asking yourself some questions to figure it out.


"What am I doing with the apples?"
I'm eating them.


"How am I eating the apples?"
I'm eating them also.


So the preposition aka goes after the verb okye.


Han okye ba aka a'kte mi ki hazinate.
I also ate apples yesterday.

Depressed

I guess we all can't be as perfect as we'd like to assume. Depression gets the best of me sometimes, especially when I'm alone and at night. I don't care anymore about my life.. I just kind of want it all the erase and start fresh.. with the personality and the mentality and the smarts that I have now. Erase the past and move on from it.

We've come such a long way with technology, and yet, we still can't wipe our minds. I feel like if we lived in a world like The Jetsons, life would be so grand because you'd not have to strain so much anymore.. you could quantum leap and defy gravity and do tons of neat tricks. Life would be interesting... and surely easier to meet guys who you think were made for you..

I want to write more to Zanguin.. but I can't feel it. It seems as though my emotions are beginning to consume me.. maybe my need for sex is starting absorb my mind; locking it away to where I can't focus on anything but one thing. I feel like I've let myself down inside.. and the nightmares that I had for 2.5 weeks straight may have been my mind working some deep emotional stuff out--bringing it to the surface.

I want to cuddle with someone tonight. I feel like I had that opportunity last night, but I was too shy and I had other plans with an alternate party. Although I had an amazing time with that alternate party, I feel as though woe and sadness are sucking me back into the void that I once knew.. and always feel often. It's a sadness that can't go away because of the pain that once encompassed me.

I soldier on in life and prove my positivity with kindness and humility. I stay strong so I can be strong for those who are in the position I was once in... but when you meet people who have felt a similar pain, you can't control your urge to reminisce your childhood. You can't help but recall the memories because that person is sharing theirs with you... reminding you of yours.

After devouring a tub of BlueMoon ice cream last night at a park with my friend Sam and Julie, I decided that I wanted to jump this creek that was nearby. Julie told me not to because she tried it before and it didn't really work out. It was a pretty large creek and when I got to the edge, disaster struck. Where this pride, security, and determination came from, I don't know. Maybe it was the 50 spoon-fulls of ice cream.

But when I reached that cliff-side, I tripped on some vegetation and fell in it face-first. Sam recalled an explosion of water and mud around my body as I impacted. Between the time I tripped to the time I impacted the sewage-infested creek with possible parasites and leeches, I felt so free and the only thing that was running through my mind was, "Oh shit, Julie was right."

When I crawled out of the creek, I got up and felt stupid. I explained how I learned my lesson and that if I wouldn't have hesitated, I probably would have made it. Julie drove me back home and I undressed at the door and threw everything I was wearing but my boxers and shirt in a plastic garbage bag. I then showered, got dressed, grabbed some lavender incense, and headed out the door. When we arrived at Julie's house, we decided to stay out on the trampoline all night with tons of blankets and we ended up sleeping outside.

We talked all night, tried to get comfortable, talked about the weirdest things, found the big/little dipper, I did voice impressions and told random stories about a French woman and also this woman who got raped by a man with tons of fruit, Julie told stories about her childhood, Sam was doing a spoof of these annoying birds that were chirping in the morning, we were all cuddled up and Sam was in the middle, and when we woke up around 7:30, Julie made us pancakes, or panclarks as she called them. I never had so much fun. :)

Things are beginning to add up in my neck of the woods. From thoughts of breaking my abstinence to unsuccessfully leaping creeks to talking with my first boyfriend from two years ago to trying to obtain unobtainable demigods in California---I'm just stressed. I've always handled stress so well, and like a sponge, I've held my own. But things are starting to take its toll. I feel as though meditation won't clear this mood.

Maybe what I need to do is find someone who needs me... not someone I need. If I weren't so sore and my face didn't have minor cuts and scrapes on it from the unsuccessful leap, I'd have tried to meet someone tonight, or even my friend who was in the area and said he could stop by to cheer me up. If I did meet someone new, what would we do, honestly? They'd want to have sex, I'm sure. I just want to be lazy with another man and share kind feelings without doing much-- just laying. But even then, I'm too shy and nervous to do that with strangers.

I don't let in just anyone.

Some people contemplate death when they are bored, lonely, and depressed. Even if I did contemplate it, it'd do nothing for me. I don't want to die; quite the contrary. I want to live and be free, knowing I have no limits and no bonds. I told Julie last night that jumping the creek made my appreciate limits. It made me understand that which we are physically bound by. I have this ever-expanding enterprise of concepts, ideas, and thoughts fumigating in my mind like a burning building. Jumping that creek makes me wonder if I'm really able to take my thoughts and bring them into reality.

The entire time I was running and even before contemplating it, I imagined the arch I'd make with my body as it propelled forward over the creek. I imagined flawlessly how I'd do it, how much speed I'd need, when to jump, and my body landing on the resilient grass yonder. In my mind, it was the epitome of perfection. I knew I could do it and I had this security about it--yet I failed and splashed my face right into fecal matter, decaying plant life, sewage, and mud.

It makes me wonder if all my aspirations and ideas of curing age and HIV are going to be producible. I have the blueprints in my head and I know in my heart and soul that I have the potential to do great things. But right now as I recall the unsuccessful creek launch, I feel naive about my aspirations. I feel a part of me dropping into a dark well with an echoing sound as it plummets through the water like a bullet.

I feel a bit of me die inside when I think about all of these things... and I feel like there's no future for me. But then again, I always over-think everything. Maybe Dalles was right: we do have different lifestyles. I'm still depressed and I'm using my optimism to try to replace the little insecurities and memories that I hold close. I never really told the truth with myself when it came to this part of the picture. This entire time, I've been masquerading my emotions and the hurt inside--storing it away and hoping that I could replace it.

How foolish I have been,